If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
