So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
