im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
