So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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