Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
