The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
