after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
