you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
