Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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