I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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