how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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