I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
