oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
