Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
