You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
