I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
