she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You need a sexual gate keeper
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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