you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
