I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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