i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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