the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
