You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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