Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
