If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
