Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
