that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
