K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
