why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
