That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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