Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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