Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
