6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
