I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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