I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
