can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
