I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
