you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
