He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
