i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Randomize
