My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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