Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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