would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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