I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
did i walk over a car last night?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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