Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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