I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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