I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
