Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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