I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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