Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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