if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
